BJJ Parody

Fight 2 Win Competitor Dominates In Match Despite Walking Out To “Achy Breaky Heart”

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The walkout song is a brief that captures the nerves and excitement of an ensuing match in a musical clip. They’re often a vehicle to get the competitor excited and their opponent intimidated; its pre-fight posturing boiled down to a single electric yet fleeting moment. 

Some choose energetic genres, music that gets the blood going– such as rap or metal. Both certainly assert combative prowess. However, at a recent Fight 2 Win (F2W), competitor Logan Johnson decided to take a different route– annoy the hell out of everyone in the room. Indeed, he accomplished this when he walked out to “Achy Breaky Heart,” which earned him one of the most peculiar wins in recent grappling sports history. 

His opponent tapped out before the match even started. The cause? He didn’t want to be in the same room as that song for any longer. The clip played for approximately 10 seconds, an eternity accounting for how bad that song is. 

At this moment, the competitor’s Danaher-Esque strategy came into play, though. Johnson, who trains out of OSS-R-US Jiu-Jitsu– a gym with the tagline “Egyptian Gods. Samurai. Family Friendly”– wanted to submit his opponent without even having to grapple. Like every other modern-day warrior, you know, the ones that get Starbucks before training and then eat at a restaurant immediately after, Johnson knows that the best weapon is the one you never need to remove from its sheath. 

By the same logic, the best grappler on the planet is one that never has to deftly maneuver their body around an opponent’s to secure a bout-ending submission hold. At least this is what Johnson thought. In this, he succeeded, even more so than his teammate, who achieved purple belt fame by finally attending warmups

After the match, we managed to catch up with Johnson, asking what his next move would be after his decisive win. He commented, “I don’t know, honestly. But first, I would like to thank Billy Ray Cyrus for writing a song so annoying that it makes Kenny G. seem like The Beatles. I think if the promotion allows it, I’ll play it again next match to get the early tap.” 

After interviewing Johnson, we spoke with his opponent, who tapped out unceremoniously. “I’m 20 years old, had never heard that song before in my life, but was suddenly horrified.” he acknowledged in a bewildered tone. 

This strategy has indeed taken the world by storm since the win. Johnson calls it the “sonic guard game,” and pro grapplers are taking notice. Johnson said that he would be releasing an instructional soon, detailing the finer aspects of his game. Continuing on his unorthodox approach, though, it won’t be a DVD. Instead, it will just be a mix CD of the most annoying songs he can think of. “Achy Breaky Heart” will be included, according to Johnson. It makes sense, after all; it’s what secured him the signature win. 

He was tight-lipped as to the other selections he intends to make for the instructional. But he did hint that “Best of You” by Foo Fighters would make an appearance, as would the entire discography of Creed. 

Stay tuned for more news on OSS-R-US Jiu-Jitsu, a real school that definitely exists.



Jeff Nelson is a brown belt under Danilo Cherman of Team Nova Uniao. He started training jiu-jitsu in 2014, and he always complains about Star Wars on his personal Instagram account.

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